Just Kidding: King Kohli and the Game of Thrones

Disclaimer: These are just jokes. They are supposed to be taken seriously as jokes. There’s no malicious intent. Chill.

India’s supreme leader has stepped down! Before you shout “Fake news!”, by supreme leader, I mean ViKo, this isn’t about politics. King Kohli has abdicated; he is no longer the captain of the India men’s Test cricket team. For around seven years, there was stability. But now, there’s uncertainty.

This reminds me of the good old decades (or bad old decades from a win percentage standpoint) where India’s captains changed as frequently as a baby’s diaper. It was a mess and it stank! Once again, we don’t know who’s going to be the next Test captain? Rohit, Rahul, Pant, Ashwin, Bumrah, or Jay Shah!

The tadka in the dal

Will the new captain match the predecessor’s energy levels? It’s a tough ask. Virat Kohli was like an energiser bunny on the field — animated and electrifying. If watching a Test match was ghar ki dal, then he was the much-needed, spicy tadka. And the broadcasters loved it. At every opportunity, they zoomed in on him to capture his expressions and body language like a B-grade movie’s cameraman zooming-in on the heroine’s curves.

Watching a Test match without Kohli at the helm would be akin to going back to Doordarshan-style news after being exposed to the frantic antics of the anchor who yells what he thinks the NATION WANTS TO KNOW.

11 Kohlis on the field

It wasn’t just theatrics. Virat had set a fitness standard that everyone followed; well, almost. It was as if there were eleven chiselled Kohlis on the field. They even looked similar with a lean body, styled stubble, and glares! He revolutionised Indian cricket in terms of fitness by encouraging the yo-yo test (Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with Yo Yo Honey Singh).

Gone are the days when Indian cricketers were ridiculed for their lack of athleticism. Now, no more uncle-like players and their paunches. Instead, just ask the aunties about those fab-abs flooding Instagram.

A sena for SENA

Bouncers, banter, and bullying. These three words summarise how India’s batters feel when they tour SENA countries. Nope, not talking about saffronisation. SENA is short for South Africa, England, New Zealand and Australia. Historically, bowlers from these countries have been tormenting Indian batters thanks to their bowling-friendly home conditions. Captain Kohli heralded a new era by bringing in his own sena of bowlers to give the SENA countries a taste of their own medicine! (Sorry for this cliché, it’s a side effect of growing up listening to Ravi Shastri’s commentary.)

Virat was like that bullied kid who got back to the bullies by bringing his own flock of big, burly, and boisterous friends. He fiercely backed the five-bowler theory as it was crucial to take 20 wickets to win Tests overseas. This resulted in the creation of the modern fab-five: Ishant, Shami, Bumrah, Umesh, and Siraj. When it comes to this bunch of boys, it’s Stranger Things for the opposition.

Kahaani BCCI ki kasauti ki

When MS Dhoni stepped down, everyone knew it was Kohli’s time to lead. The transition was smooth. Currently, the state of Indian captaincy reminds of the original K-dramas — Ekta Kapoor’s infamous, melodramatic K-serials.

It comes across as all is not well between BCCI and Kohli. Apparent lack of communication during Virat’s replacement, contrary statements, and shoddy media management crafted a perfect script for the drama! It’s got it all — the rigid patriarch, the devrani-jethani and saas-bahu spats, the gossip-mongering, and of course, the media playing the vamp. Hopefully, it ends sooner than those never-ending soaps.

The fall and the rise

Here's Virat Kohli’s record as a Test captain: 68 matches, 40 wins, 17 losses, and 11 draws. The win percentage is an impressive 58.82%. He didn’t do too badly in the white-ball formats as well. But no ICC trophy to boast of had to have consequences and they did.

Without the burden of captaincy, it’s time for Virat the batter to rise. It’s time to flaunt that almost orgasmic cover drive across formats, oppositions, and stadiums to bring back the euphoria of Virat Kohli, the batter.

---

If you think this article was up to the mark, click support to hit it out of the park!

I make no promises of better rhymes; because be silly, have fun, it’s crazy times.

Write a comment ...

Yash Pawaskar

Show your support

Hey, if you liked the content, please sponsor my cup of coffee! Input coffee, output words.

Recent Supporters

Write a comment ...